Michael Foody

The carnival had a rope ladder, you would pay money and then try and climb this swivelly ladder and if you got to the bell you would win a big chintzy stuffed animal. I think it was a bear dressed like a pirate. I don’t really remember, I don’t trust myself with this detail.

I did the rope ladder before, with my feet hooked under the ladder, so that if it rotated I would hang from the bottom and continue to climb. It was really hard but it totally worked. Then the kid running the game said that it didn’t count because I needed to complete the game upright. Only it didn’t say that anywhere. I got so mad. I’ve probably never been so mad at a stranger. I was just furious. I asked to see the supervisor and another guy came out, he was such a dufus. I expected him to cave but he said that I wasn’t the first person to think of it, lots of people try it, and “think that they’re so clever”. I really wanted to punch the guy in the face. I did one of those things where you kind of twist your shoulder back reflexively. Like I was actually going to punch the guy. I don’t know if I wanted to be threatening or what, or just to psyche him out but I didn’t swing and he didn’t flinch. I probably could have been happy with a flinch.

I know this is stupid, like this is one of the worst things about me, but I really regretted not punching a kid in the face. I thought about the alternate world where I do, and I hit the kid, and I get arrested and feel incredibly stupid. In that world I regret hitting him, and recriminate myself for being incredibly childish, what did I want with a stupid stuffed animal anyways? Did it make any difference whether my victory was somehow sanctified? But I was pretty sure that that regret at being an idiot would feel less bad than the regret I felt. One time I told a girl that I was seeing this story and that she shouldn’t cheat on me with anyone too big, because I would probably try and fight him. She said that was really weird and she was right. I think she probably would have broken up with me eventually anyways, but this story probably speed things up.

I didn’t like carnivals or theme parks any longer. I went to one, and I saw a rope ladder. I didn’t want to try again. I don’t have any interest in vindicating myself. I didn’t think it would help. I was waiting in line for a roller coaster for a long time. When I got to the front of the line I remembered the rope ladder and I sort of relived that moment. I was so preoccupied with it that I didn’t really pay attention to the roller coaster. My mind was somewhere else, the ride didn’t even register.

This girl that I was with at the time of the rope ladder incident was talking to me a couple years ago. She brought up the rope ladder incident and how mad I had gotten like it was a comic incident, which realistically it should have been. But I told her about my bizarre preoccupation with the event. I don’t know why. I try and keep shit under wraps. I think I used the phrase “cuckolded by the universe” and she didn’t sound particularly sympathetic. I felt stupid for having mentioned it.

A week later A package arrived it was a trophy, it was of a guy climbing a mountain. The inscription had my name and it said “Carnival Rope Ladder Thing Champion”. It totally made me feel better. Better and silly all at once. Since I didn’t think about it all that often I didn’t even really realize the number it did on me. But the trophy fixed it. Whatever it was.